Feeling better

So everyone told me to just get over Derek. It was his loss but that just wasn't enough for me. I had no self-esteem and no hope of ever getting into another relationship. In September of 2008 I went on my first date after meeting a guy in a bar. We got along wonderfully and I thought see, things are going to be just fine. I'm not going to have any problem getting in a new relationship. Well after 2 weeks his ex girlfriend of 7 years found out he went on a date with me and told me that he was sorry but it wasn't going to work. Talk about sick to my stomach. I thought oh well I will be fine. In November I had a stroke and my ex thought I was faking it because it was a way to get him back. Well that was seriously upsetting but I have to say made it a lot easier for me to start the process of really getting over him. I want a family, I want to feel loved when will it be my turn? I know I'm not the only one in my position but sometimes I feel like it. I have recently met a bunch of single mom friends that are a couple years older than me. They too want a new family and more children. It makes me feel good that I'm not the only one with these desires. My biological clock isn't ticking to loudly but it's still ticking. I had my first children over 7 years ago so it feels like I should be in a totally different spot in my life. My friends all say I need to gain confidence and not worry so much about what people think of me, but it's to hard for me. I just don't know how to do that. I see guys that I'm interested in and I'm even hanging out with some guys I'm interested in but those guys have no interest in me except for as a friend. That sucks!!

my story continued

So, I tried for a long time to get Derek back. He wasn't having any of it, well that is until the girl he was seeing turned out to be a crazy looney ass bitch (BTW I told him so!!). Then we started hooking up again, nothing permanent or serious, just starting to talk and meet to have 'relations' but this was all fine with me because we were together. Well, that lasted only a month. Than some health issues took all that away from me too. I very very soon realized he was dating someone new and that new person happened to be his BF's sister. Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks she is almost 10 years his junior and not that age really means anything but the over and under 21 always does. Well, enough about him for now. I will say I changed a lot due to everything that happened during our relationship. I decided that I was gonna show who I was to the next person I dated, no trying to be what I thought they wanted. That way it wouldn't matter what their friends did or said, he would know me and we would be happy. I also 'knew' that this next relationship would happen very shortly because I hadn't been single for over two months since I was 18. I had a very tough time with the split though and ended up loosing approx 30 pounds in 6 weeks. I didn't want to eat, let alone live so the weight just came flowing off. That was the only part of the split I didn't mind. I would find myself crying at the drop of a hat. I would be happy one minute and sobbing the next. My friends tried to do anything and everything they could. They would cry with me, they would hang out with me, they would do anything to take my mind off of him. Including speaking badly of the new girls he was seeing. It all helped but I knew it was just going to take my own time to feel better about things. Well, after about 8 months of feeling terrible I am thankful to say that things did improve. More on that in my next post.

Never been able to keep up.....

Well, I have never been able to keep up with a diary and now, have realized that I'm just as bad at blogging. But, I am going to continue where I left off talking about Derek. Derek was super fun loving and I had a crush on him back in the day, so I figured it would be hella fun to play with him while I got my 'buddy' back. Well, things turned quickly as Derek decided he really liked me and I was trying to play the part of oblivious. It could only last so long. I had a decision to make, either tell him I didn't want to go any further or keep going. So, I kept going. Big mistake!! I mean, I kinda liked this guy but just not in the same sense as I liked 'buddy'. I kept thinking that if I gave it a little more time, I would really fall for this guy. He was really quite perfect if you ask me now!! He absolutely adored my children and he waited hand and foot on me. He did everything around the house and loved and I mean loved me!! I just couldn't get to be myself!! You know, the self that is just content and is happy with the way the dice are being thrown. Well, after a year of dating, he moved in with me. That was all okay. Than that October he asked me to marry him. Now, let me just say that I had originally told him that I only wanted to date for a year before being proposed to so this wasn't all on his own. Plus, he was working for my family and so I knew his wages, I was gonna get a big rock this time. Well fast forward two additional years and you find me absolutely miserable because Derek has just left me. I had no clue this was coming but there it was. He couldn't take all the emotional abuse from me. What had started as a pretty good relationship was all down the tubes because I couldn't help but be a bitch. Now I also want to say that I wasn't myself throughout any part of our relationship. When his friends saw my bitchy attitude they laughed it up and gave Derek shit, 'how can you deal with that?' as they giggled and high fived. All that did was fuel the fire and made it incredibly hard to let that persona go. I wanted so badly to be nice to him and to cuddle with him, so on so forth...but I just couldn't let myself. I don't know, maybe I'm destined to remain single for the rest of my life as punishment for hell I put Derek through?!?! I deserve it. You know who doesn't deserve it though, my kids. He picked up without saying a word and they thought it was all their fault for a long time. I told them over and over again that if mommy wasn't so mean Derek would still be here, it had nothing to do with them. It has been almost a year since Derek and I split up and they still talk about him weekly. UGH.. I beat myself up for so long over this that I can't hardly do it anymore. I just wish that I was given that chance to redeem myself, but alas, I understand why I wasn't.