Never been able to keep up.....

Well, I have never been able to keep up with a diary and now, have realized that I'm just as bad at blogging. But, I am going to continue where I left off talking about Derek. Derek was super fun loving and I had a crush on him back in the day, so I figured it would be hella fun to play with him while I got my 'buddy' back. Well, things turned quickly as Derek decided he really liked me and I was trying to play the part of oblivious. It could only last so long. I had a decision to make, either tell him I didn't want to go any further or keep going. So, I kept going. Big mistake!! I mean, I kinda liked this guy but just not in the same sense as I liked 'buddy'. I kept thinking that if I gave it a little more time, I would really fall for this guy. He was really quite perfect if you ask me now!! He absolutely adored my children and he waited hand and foot on me. He did everything around the house and loved and I mean loved me!! I just couldn't get to be myself!! You know, the self that is just content and is happy with the way the dice are being thrown. Well, after a year of dating, he moved in with me. That was all okay. Than that October he asked me to marry him. Now, let me just say that I had originally told him that I only wanted to date for a year before being proposed to so this wasn't all on his own. Plus, he was working for my family and so I knew his wages, I was gonna get a big rock this time. Well fast forward two additional years and you find me absolutely miserable because Derek has just left me. I had no clue this was coming but there it was. He couldn't take all the emotional abuse from me. What had started as a pretty good relationship was all down the tubes because I couldn't help but be a bitch. Now I also want to say that I wasn't myself throughout any part of our relationship. When his friends saw my bitchy attitude they laughed it up and gave Derek shit, 'how can you deal with that?' as they giggled and high fived. All that did was fuel the fire and made it incredibly hard to let that persona go. I wanted so badly to be nice to him and to cuddle with him, so on so forth...but I just couldn't let myself. I don't know, maybe I'm destined to remain single for the rest of my life as punishment for hell I put Derek through?!?! I deserve it. You know who doesn't deserve it though, my kids. He picked up without saying a word and they thought it was all their fault for a long time. I told them over and over again that if mommy wasn't so mean Derek would still be here, it had nothing to do with them. It has been almost a year since Derek and I split up and they still talk about him weekly. UGH.. I beat myself up for so long over this that I can't hardly do it anymore. I just wish that I was given that chance to redeem myself, but alas, I understand why I wasn't.